


Interlude

by Cherry



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Gen, Grieving, M/M, NOT Levi x Connie, Next time I'm writing fluff, Spoilers for manga and anime up to manga 52, This is so depressing, reflections
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-11
Updated: 2013-12-11
Packaged: 2018-01-04 09:05:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1079120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cherry/pseuds/Cherry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi and Connie make their way back to the lodge and the rest of the squad. Connie is traumatised, not surprisingly. Levi does his best, and thinks about his own relationships. Captain and soldier relationship - NOT slash.<br/>A lot of tears.<br/>Because I love Connie.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Interlude

They were halfway back to the hideout in the mountains, when Connie made a soft snoring sound and started slipping sideways out of his saddle. Well-trained, as all the Survey Corps’ horses were, Clover stopped and stood still, snorting gently, turning her head to nuzzle Pepper when Levi steered her along side. Levi leaned over and caught Connie before he fell to the ground, manoeuvring him upright again. The boy jolted awake. “S – sorry Captain!” he stammered. “I don’t know why –”

“No, it’s my fault. How much rest did you get before Hange dragged you back to your village?”

“Five hours. Four or five. But I don’t normally need much sleep.” Connie yawned hugely.

“Hm. You’ve been through a lot. I should have waited – set off tomorrow morning. We’ll stop here, and continue at first light. I’m sure the squad can manage without us for one night without too much bickering. Get some sleep, Connie. I’ll make a fire.”

Connie tried to protest, but his eyes were already starting to shut.

“Get off your horse before you fall off, and go to sleep,” Levi said. “That’s an order, so stop fighting it.”

Connie slipped down from the saddle and swayed where he stood. Levi dismounted, wrapped the boy’s cloak more tightly around him, pulled the hood up, and pointed him in the direction of a stone-free spot. As soon as he reached it, Connie lay down with a grateful sigh and closed his eyes. 

Levi tethered the horses and set about collecting wood for a fire. It would soon be dusk, but he’d intended to travel at night because the weather was fine and the moon waxing almost full. Perhaps it would have been more sensible to wait back at the barracks until the following morning, but following his conversation with Erwin, he’d wanted to get back to the cabin and his new squad as soon as possible.

Part of his anxiety, he knew, was an irrational fear of leaving the young soldiers on their own. They were safe, inside the walls, in a location far from the nearest village. There was no doubt that certain elements in the army would be curious as to Eren and Christa’s location, but Levi thought that the isolated lodge he’d chosen was well enough hidden to be secure. The squad included formidable fighters; Jean was an able soldier, and Mikasa, even recovering from her broken ribs, would never allow anything to happen to Eren. The most likely danger any of them would face would be some kind of confrontation between Eren and Jean over some trivial disagreement or perceived insult, but the others wouldn’t allow something like that to escalate out of control. Christa – _Historia_ , Levi reminded himself – was a born peacemaker, and Armin an excellent negotiator.

Levi acknowledged that his niggling sense of worry was the result of what had happened to his first squad when he hadn’t been with them, and the thought of that settled in his gut, a terrible, cold weight of grief that he couldn’t allow himself to confront - not now, with Erwin wounded, riots barely averted in the underground city, and Zoe Hange’s unwelcome revelation about the probable nature of the titans to deal with.

And this poor kid…

As he built up a fire big enough to burn until dawn, Levi looked across at Connie. The boy was sleeping soundly now, his knees curled up to his chest under his thick woollen cloak. Levi’s eyes widened when he noticed that Connie was sucking his thumb, but on reflection it was hardly surprising. There had been a lot of times lately when Levi would been relieved to have been able to curl up into a ball, or scream, or cry, or punch something. But he didn’t do those things anymore.

In his recent dreams he relived moments from the past three weeks. He was back in the forest, flying through the trees in pursuit of a titan who should have been a prisoner; instead finding the four senior members of his old squad one after another - Gunther, Erd, Petra, Auruo – all dead. All killed in different ways, and hadn’t he said those very words to Annie in her titan form, just before she gave that roar that summoned the other titans to destroy her body? Had she killed them out of perceived necessity because they were skilled titan slayers – or had she done such a varied and thorough job of it partly to spite him? Gunter had been killed with a blade: Annie had done that in her human form, executing him as though he were the titan, not her. Had she been making a point?

In his sleep he saw Petra – Petra’s body abandoned, flying through the air and then hitting the ground so hard that Levi would flinch and start himself awake, even though he knew that nothing could hurt her anymore.

He dreamed of Erwin Smith, and the moment that they brought him in, unconscious and missing his right arm. He dreamt that over and over – the horror of the missing limb, and the sheer relief that he was still breathing, the fear of coma, shock, fever, and the gradual grateful acceptance that he would live.

He dreamed of Erwin’s smile when Zoe had told him about the titans and the likelihood that they were human after all. The strange quality of that smile haunted him.

Now, sitting safe beside the warm fire in the peaceful dusk, Levi finally had time to reflect on all that had happened during the last three weeks, but his mind shied away from thinking too hard about those things even though he couldn’t stop seeing the images again and again.

 _No regrets_ , he always told the new recruits, just as Erwin had once told him. _You_ _can never know how things will turn out; all you can do is make the decision you think you’ll regret the least._ And yet he couldn’t stop questioning himself. What if he’d kept his mouth shut and not made Annie desperate? What if he’d refused Erwin’s order to replenish his gas and blades – might he have been in time to save his squad?

Levi found himself wondering what would happen next time he met a titan – now that he _knew_? If he hesitated, he would most likely be dead. He would have to push the knowledge of what the titans had once been to the back of his mind. Whatever they once were, _now_ they were the enemy. As long as the choice was the easy one of kill or be killed, Levi knew he would be able to carry on doing his job.

Levi added more wood to the fire. Connie stirred in his sleep. Levi sat back again, wrapping his arms around his knees, and looked up into the vast dome of the stars. The night was beautiful.

In the underground city, Levi had often looked to the sky as a way of avoiding the sight and thought of the filth of his surroundings – the sewage running in the streets, the cloying mud. He had listened to Isabelle and Farran talking about freedom as they watched birds flying over the wall into that immaculate blue, and he’d found a kind of peace in the thought of emptiness – the purity of the cloudless sky – the idea of the world beyond the walls, free of human taint.

Perhaps the titans had been sent to rid the world of corrupt humanity? Certainly, some of the priests seemed to think so. But for all his deep-rooted need of cleanliness, Levi’s mind rebelled at the idea that humanity was too corrupt to be worth saving. He’d witnessed horror before he’d ever seen a titan – horrors inflicted on humans by other humans – but he’d also seen kindness and found friendship, even in the time before joining the Survey Corps.

And then Erwin Smith had offered him a new path. He’d seized it to save his friends and himself from the Military Police, which would have meant almost certain death, and also to be avenged on Erwin for having put him in a position of weakness. But Erwin’s faith in his own cause had been too strong for Levi; he’d been unable to maintain his hard-won cynicism. Others called Erwin selfish for risking the lives of his troops, but that was utterly wrong. Over the years, Levi had come to realise that Erwin had almost no ego. All he did was done from his utter conviction that the titans could be defeated and humanity saved. Mike had once mentioned that Erwin had no scent, which made sense to Levi. He had sacrificed his individuality; become the cause. Was it strange, then, that Levi, who had fallen for Erwin’s beliefs first, now loved him, not as a symbol, but as a man?

Levi sighed, thinking of Erwin, remembering how tired he’d looked at the meeting, unshaven, his eyes somehow sunken. It had been a huge shock to Levi seeing Erwin so vulnerable after his return. The loss of his arm was a terrible thing; there were no words for how shaken Levi had felt at the realisation that Erwin would no longer be capable of commanding from the vanguard – that everything would be different now. Still – Erwin was alive. When he’d first been brought in, unconscious, in physical shock, suffering massive blood loss, there had been doubt about whether he would live, and Levi had found himself torn constantly between wanting to be with Erwin, and having to respond to situations where everyone suddenly seemed to want input and orders from _him_.

It had come of something as a surprise to Levi to discover that when people came to him for answers, he had answers to give. He never knew whether they were the right ones, and he’d always assumed that Erwin, who had invariably seemed so confident in his decisions, _did_ know. But now he wondered. What if they were all equally in the dark?

He’d tried to make a joke of Erwin’s ‘creepy’ smile, but the truth was it had disturbed him. It wasn’t the first time he’d seen it: when they’d captured the female titan – Annie Leonhardt – and she’d taken them by surprise with her ability to call other titans to destroy her titan form, enabling her to escape – Erwin had smiled in that same, strange fashion. At the time, Levi had thought it was a kind of respect for the enemy, like a skilled chess player acknowledging an equal opponent’s surprise move. But for Erwin to smile that way at Zoe Hange’s news that the titans inside Wall Rose had once been human – that was really unsettling. Erwin had excused it as weakness caused by the loss of his arm, and Levi had accepted that, because what other choice was there? Levi had built everything on his trust in Erwin Smith; if Erwin stumbled, Levi’s only choices were to fall with him or to catch him, and there was no question which of those options it would be. That thought steadied Levi. It reassured him to have a clear course to follow.

The horses whickered softly. The moon rose behind the distant hills. Levi watched it climb the sky, as the hours passed. Suddenly, Connie cried out. Levi went to him at once, and when he looked into Connie’s wide, blank eyes, he realised that the boy was still sleeping.

“Mum?” Connie said, quite clearly. “Mum! Don’t – I can’t! -” What followed was unintelligible – shouting and moaning, followed by a storm of tears that finally woke Connie on a choking gasp. Levi put a hand on his skinny shoulder. “Connie…”

Connie sat up, wiping tears and snot from his face with the back of his hand.

“Sorry. I was asleep. I – I’m all right.”

“No one could expect you to be all right.”

“I don’t know how to feel,” Connie admitted, his huge brown eyes liquid with tears. “Is mum still there? Is that – that _thing_ – a titan, or is it still her? Could we cut her out of it, like with Eren, or would that kill it – her?”

“I don’t know,” Levi replied. “But none of the others we killed had any sign of a person inside.”

“She spoke to me. She recognized me!”

“Yes. Something of her was still there, then.”

“Will that stay?”

“I’m sorry, Connie, I don’t have any answers. This changes everything we thought we knew about the titans, and that wasn’t much to begin with. But we’ll do all we can to keep your mother alive in that form, until we have more information.”

The tears spilled from Connie’s eyes again, and his shoulders shook. Levi put an arm around him.

“All – all the other titans inside Wall Rose were killed, weren’t they?” Connie asked.

“Yes.”

“So – dad… and S- Sunny, and Martin?”

Levi only nodded.

“Nanaba and Gerger’s squads killed the titans at Castle Utgard,” Connie gasped through his tears. “And Hange’s squad finished them off. What if someone I know killed – what if the one I knifed to get Reiner’s arm out was – Fuck! Why? Why did this happen?”

“I don’t know. We’ll find out. We’ll stop it.”

“But if we kill titans, we’re killing people!”

“If they’re trying to kill us, what choice do we have? But there might be ways to stop it happening to anyone else. If we can find out how it happens in the first place… Hange knew what mattered from the start – we need to find out everything about them. You’ve helped with that, Connie. Going with Hange, using that picture of your parents. That can’t have been easy, but you did it. And we have Eren on our side. We have Historia. It’s not hopeless.”

“But Dad - and Sunny and Martin - all dead!”

“I’m sorry, Connie. Sonny and Martin – they were your brothers?”

“Sunny’s my sister. Martin’s only seven.” Connie’s eyes filled with tears again. “What if they knew?” he asked, his voice fractured. “What if they knew what was happening to them, and they were stuck inside those things, and they couldn’t help what they were doing?”

Levi had no reply to that, but he tightened his arm around Connie’s shoulders.

“After the fifty-seventh expedition,” Connie sniffed, “I was just so relieved to be alive, you know? But if I hadn’t come back from that, I wouldn’t have known about any of this – I wouldn’t have had to see Mum like that…”

Levi thought about the people who hadn’t come back from the fifty-seventh expedition. “Your mother spoke to you,” he said. “She knew you. She would have been glad to see you alive. If you’d died on that mission she wouldn’t have had that. Your family – they’d want you to live, wouldn’t they?”

Connie looked at Levi, nodding as fiercely as he could manage. “Yes. Yes, that’s right, they would. Mum - Mum didn’t want me to join up. But I was useless in school – I tried, but nothing ever came out right. The teacher said I had the worst writing he’d ever seen. I joined the military to find something I could do. I was good at riding – I have good balance. Dad was proud of me, I think, but Mum was scared that Sunny and Marty would copy me. I didn’t even mean to join the Survey Corps – I was going to join the Military Police, and show that teacher that I could be something inside Sina! And then – what Eren said about doing something useful and not hiding inside the walls – that made sense to me. I will do it, Captain! I’ll kill that fucking ape titan – I’ll help humanity - and if there’s a way to help Mum –” Connie’s voice caught again and helpless tears rolled down his cheeks. He hunched miserably, digging the heels of his hands into his eye sockets. “I’m sorry! I’m supposed to be a soldier, and I can’t even stop crying.”

“It’s all right to cry. Everyone cries – and you have good reason.”

Connie looked up at Levi again, his eyes red. “ _You_ don’t cry!”

Levi shook his head. “I used to,” he admitted. “When people died, I used to.”

“How did you make yourself stop?” Connie whispered.

“I didn’t.” Levi tried to remember the last time tears had come, but he couldn’t. He’d wanted to cry for his old squad; for Erd, Gunther, Auruo - for Petra, who had been a real friend – but all he’d felt was the accustomed heavy hardness in his chest. “I just – lost the knack of it.”

“I – I wish I could do that!” Connie gulped, wiping his eyes on the sleeve of his jacket. “I think I’ve got it under control, and then it starts again, a - and –” The boy’s small body convulsed and he clutched at Levi’s free arm. “I’m sorry!” he sobbed. “I’m sorry!”

“Don’t apologise for grieving, Connie. You’re safe here. And - you’re allowed to be sad.” Levi put both arms around Connie, who was child, and soldier, one, and held him until the boy was ready to let go.

“Do you want to rest now?” Levi asked, when Connie pulled away, looking faintly horrified at the wet tearstains he’d left on the front of Levi’s jacket, “or should we set off for the lodge? If we leave now we’ll be there by dawn.”

Connie got to his feet. “Yes,” he said, “Let’s go. I’d rather – get on with things.”

“Good, then.” Levi kicked out the fire, and untethered the horses. He thought about Erwin, back in the barracks and probably fretting about his present inability to ‘get on with things’. But Erwin was alive, and that was what mattered. Until he was back on his feet, Levi would do what needed doing, with Hange’s help, and Dot Pixis’ cooperation. Old comrades; good friends. Levi had never known a family like the one Connie had lost, but the sorrow he swallowed down whenever he thought of Mike, the somewhat exasperated warmth he felt for Zoe and her wild ways, and the weight and depth of his unexpected love for Erwin - those feelings were just as valid weren’t they? Strange, Levi thought, how his motivation had changed over the years from hate to love.

“Your friends will be glad to see you again,” Levi called to Connie as the boy swung himself into the saddle,  “– and there should be a decent breakfast if they’ve managed to keep Sasha away from the rations.”

Even in the moonlight Connie’s eyes were clearly bloodshot, and his answering smile was a little watery, but it was still one of the bravest things Captain Levi had ever seen. 


End file.
